Changes

There are times when I just want to be able to flick a switch, and turn my mind off. When the inside of my head is so loud, I can't fall asleep at night, and when no matter what you do, the demon always has the upper hand. Whether it be from irrational thoughts of what might happen, to a dark memory of what has previously happened, times like this show that the monsters inside your head, are much scarier than the ones from the movies. And then I thought about it, everything I am scared of either hasn't even happened yet, or is already said and done. So what is there to fear?

I use to be so vulnerable to my mind, always letting it get the best of me late at night, tossing and turning. I had wondered for so long what the key was to make it all stop. I figured I needed to find the root of this evil, and stop it at the source, and I came up with one culprit which I thought was the reason to my anguish: change. My whole life I had feared change, and to this day you could say I still do. However, instead of fighting against it, I decided to let life run its path.

My freshman year of college was coming up and I had mixed emotions about it, but knew things were going to get difficult. Once the time came, moving away from home wasn't as bad as I thought. I missed my friends, family, and of course pets back home, but I could deal with change and everything was going good... so I thought. Out of nowhere things turned for the worst. I wasn't ever happy, and it was like poison had imbedded itself inside my body, and was spreading like you wouldn't believe. Something had to be done, so for once in my life I took control, and made a decision that would forever change my future. This decision I made solved nothing, but only seemed to complicate things to a much higher scale. So there it was, I had been stabbed in the back by a decision I wrongfully made and there was no one to blame but myself. Had the world lied to me? Preaching about how change is good, yet I make a change and it seemed to only deepen the wound. Well long story short, I was in a place I had never been, and it was darker than ever. I totally latched on to everything I needed to be letting go of, but that's what I thought was right. Change had let me down, and I wanted nothing to do with it. But here came the really hard part for me to interpret. Since there was disappointment in change, I squeezed tighter to hold onto what I once had, and that didn't help either. Some would say I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, but that seems a bit to light. I didn't know what to do, or where to go, but after too much time spent feeling low, I figured I needed what I feared most: change. I decided to give what I thought broke me completely, another chance.

Change has landed me in Auckland, New Zealand, and so far I have loved every second of it. I let go of the past, and I stopped letting change that happened in the past, and change that could potentially happen in the future, rule my life. I'm not completely free from the binds in my mind, and I don't think I ever will be. It is normal to be scared of what could happen, but there is no reasonable solution for letting it control your entire being. And yes, there might have been things in the past that hurt like nothing before, but leave them in the past, it makes much more room for great things in the future. Not all problems can be fixed with one change, so don't get your head down when life is knocking you around, for if you can weather the storm, the rainbow at the end is oh, so beautiful.

-Coffee With Demons, JG

9/25/16