Searching for Happiness in all the Wrong Places

I find myself going mad when I try and pinpoint what the key is to being happy, not because I can't zero in on one certain concept that is relevant in all situations, because I know there is no such thing, and only a fool would believe in such a remedy. But no, it is because every time I find myself wide-eyed, smiling from ear to ear, feeling the emotion that so many people long for, it seems to slip through my fingers leaving only memories. See, the thing that I struggle all to often with is the fear of happiness. Sounds crazy doesn't it? On paper, yes, but in my head, the fear of happiness is all too real... So why do I fear happiness? Well, it is simply because every time I feel happy, it seems to only be temporary. It was almost as if once I finally caught the rare emotion, a demon wasn't far behind to claim back my new found smile, my new found peace of mind. So now the question becomes, what happens to take away the feeling of being happy, and how does it occur in parallel with being happy?

Instead of searching for the answers I really needed, I searched for the quickest pain relief I could find. I didn't turn to alcohol, and I didn't turn to drugs. What I was in search for was a much more nasty demon, one with a cold heart, black soul, but somehow seemed to ease the pain. I found not only me in pursuit of this particular demon, but such a large population of people of every age. It is a demon that has an agonizing goodbye, but such a sweet hello. I was looking for attention, and it was in all of the wrong places.

I just wanted to be wanted; I hungered for someone who was willing to tell me all of the things I wanted to hear, and sadly nowadays, that demon is not hard to find. I caught myself vying for the attention of others and turning my back on those who were actually there for me. And for what? The pain might have been eased, but the poison was just setting in. My problems were not being solved, but just beginning to actually start.

The thing I have realized recently is this, the only thing that was pushing the genuine happiness away, the culprit to the real problem, was the man in the mirror. I was digging my own grave, creating problems that didn't exist and diving with no hesitation into ones that were authentic. Taking away my own happiness made it harder and harder to attain, time after time. This is because my so called "remedy" just ended up hurting me instead of helping. I wanted attention to fill the vacant gap left by happiness, and I wanted it quick. The instant satisfaction I was getting was exactly what I wanted, and it did make me feel good for the time being. But darkness ensued, because the relief was only temporary. I was not only hurting the ones I was using for attention, but also the people who had been there for me all along. Social media and constant communication has made it so easy for this demon to enter our lives. I hate that attention is waiting at our fingertips, and how it is made so easy to secure in this day and age, but that is a whole subject in itself which I will refrain from speaking on at this time. So all in all, the solution that I thought I had found was in fact just another problem, but a problem that could be solved now that my eyes were clear.

The only person that was in the way of true happiness was me. I had created this false reality that had heartache and sorrow mapped out around every corner. For years it had been like this, but sometimes it truly is hard to convince yourself you deserve happiness. Now let me say this, you do deserve to be happy. No matter who tells you differently, no matter what else happens, YOU deserve happiness. Once I knew the real answer to my real problem, it was only a matter of time before everything started to get better. I am no longer taking happiness away from myself, and in turn, I am no longer searching for the demon that is attention. Letting yourself be happy is the first step in living a happier and much healthier life, and no one can do that except you. I'm not saying this is an easy concept to grasp quickly, but anyone struggling like I was needs to take time and practice with it. I promise that your life will change for the better once you unlock the chains that you have secured upon yourself. We build a prison around our mind when we deny ourselves happiness. The inside is dark and cold, but the outside holds beauty that is beyond words. If you don't believe me, that is okay, because I want you all to step outside and see for yourself.

-Coffee With Demons, JG

8/23/16